Miscarriage & Talks of divorce

In honor of Father’s day, I want to share a very personal, but special testimony I have kept buried for years. For some reason, this somewhat of a secret has found its way out of the grave where I had put it, and resurfaced, through family. But such a powerful message for me, from Jesus Christ himself through my cousin Asher. 

To start this off, it is no secret that my husband and I have been having fertility issues. We had struggled trying to get pregnant and build our family for awhile, and it took a toll not on just myself, but on our marriage as well. Even though we trusted that God always had his plans for our lives, I as a wife, fell short sometimes of keeping the faith. 

~THE LOST~

One day after work, I got home and something didn’t feel right. I thought I had to use the restroom, but that wasn’t the case. I felt something gushing out of me, and looked down to see this tiny object. I was so scared, I took a picture and sent it to one of my coworkers who is family to my family immediately. She was a nurse as well, so I was hoping she knew what it was. I was not expecting her response at all. She told me that it looked like an early miscarriage, and that I didn’t need to go to the hospital being it was so early on. I immediately started crying, and talking to God, trying to get answers on why this happened, knowing he knew how much it meant for us to have a child. I texted my husband right away, and I tried my best to forget it ever happened. Thinking that it was just not good timing, or not meant to be. 

~THE STRUGGLES~

The hardest thing was to attend family gatherings, and answering all the aunties and uncles. Especially with my husband’s family. I saw how much they loved him, and knew how good of a father he would be, as he was a hanai father (step-father) in his previous relationship. I would answer them with a chuckle, and laugh it off, and say our famous line “God’s timing”. Only for me to go home, and secretly cry away from my husband because it might just be my fault, that he is not a father yet. This went on for years, as I had taken about a handful of pregnancy and ovulation tests, I did all the remedies on google, took some natural pills, I even went to see a specialist which was my last hope. As my husband and I went to get advice from a fertility office, they couldn’t help me unless I lost a big chunk of my weight, which was understandable. I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do it naturally. I’ve seen women at my size give birth and have kids, so I knew it was probably just me. After getting that news, that was the last straw, and in my heart, I accepted the fact that I was never going to be a mother. 

I would make up excuses not to attend my husband’s family gatherings because I knew people were going to ask “why don’t we have kids yet”. I didn’t want to disappoint them, and/or make them think like I’m doing it on purpose and didn’t want to give their nephew/son/cousin/brother a child. That was not the case, and the pain was too hard to bear for me to go out sometimes. Of course they didn’t know about the miscarriage, the negative tests, the doctor visits, and other things. It was just harder for me to look my in-laws in the face, and feel like I was disappointing them. I didn’t want my in-laws to think that we weren’t trying, because we were, so much that we had to plan it out, which got so overwhelming sometimes.

~THE TALK OF DIVORCE~

Trying to get pregnant just took a huge toll on me, that I felt like I failed as a wife. I literally stopped making love to my husband, and I made up every excuse not to. When we argued, it got the best of me. I told him it was hard for me to go to his family parties and answer all the time why we don’t have kids yet. To fake a smile, knowing deep down inside I just wanted to scream “because I’m too damn fat”. Hoping that if I did say that, people would just stop asking me. I told him it’s so hard for me to be happy sometimes when I see pregnancy announcements online, or even in our family. As much as I was happy, I was also sad and fell into such a miserable place. When I couldn’t submit to my own husband and tell him why, it broke me. I stopped making love to him because I didn’t see the point anymore. I wasn’t getting pregnant anyways, so why even have sex. 

It was so hard to see him with our nephews and nieces, because it broke me that I couldn’t make him a father, as he deserved to be. I told him we should get a divorce because I couldn’t give him the gift of being a father. And he so deserved to be a father, and it hurt me that I, as a wife, couldn’t do that for him. I wanted him to be happy, even if it meant it wasn’t with me. I told him, he should go, and be with someone that can bear him a child and make him a father. With tears running down my face, and my heart breaking, I was ready to let him go. To sacrifice what we built, so that he would be able to be a father.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes, not knowing all this pain I was carrying alone. And said, NO! We are not separating, I am not going anywhere. We are in this together, and we need to trust that God has a plan for our lives, even if it was adopting children. But, we need to keep trying. He said that divorce is never the answer, and like scripture says in Mark 10:9 , he ain’t going no where. So divorce is never on the table, no matter what.

~THE GIFT OF PEACE~

With prayers, and faith, Jesus had given me true peace from John 14:27. And I learned only through his word, that I needed to re-learn how to submit to my husband, and be a Proverbs wife again. And that is what I had done then, and continue to do now. I read stories in the bible of women that couldn’t bear children, and God had given them children. So just like Sarai, Rebekah, Hannah and the many others, I patiently wait, and remain still in his love and promises. I will be okay and always will be safe in my husband’s arms, because he helped me through everything. My husband was involved in every single conversation going forward, and made sure I was okay through it all. He lifted me up again through his prayers, and helped me become who I am today. I never felt alone, scared, and/or sad because his faith inspired me. 

There were different times in my life where I got to share my story of having a miscarriage, and being on the verge of divorce. God led me to share with my husband that our baby was with his grandpa Take in heaven. Then again with my sister when we lost our father. Knowing that his grandson welcomed both his grandpa’s into heaven, and that they were the first to meet our child gave me joy. And my heart was filled with so much love, and peace. 

~THE DREAM~

Fast forward to this year, 2025. I got a call from my cousin Asher in Hawaii. To make this long story short, he had a dream, and God led him to call me. In his dream he was in a beautiful setting of the color gold. A stunning gold palace, gold streets, and just really big and beautiful doors. He mentioned that him, and my siblings were in this area where we could see the sky and the ocean beneath us. And in this place he said, it was so amazing, he didn’t want to come back. In his dream he saw me, and there was a little kid hanging onto my shoulder. He approached me and asked “who is this kid”? I answered him, “this is Nor or Oar (he couldn’t remember)”! As if he was supposed to know who this kid was, but he didn’t. So on our phone call, Asher told me, I know all your nieces and nephews, who could’ve that been? As Asher stared at me through FaceTime, I remembered the baby that I had lost, but Asher didn’t know. I then went into the garage and told him my story, and he cried, and apologized. He then said “Gods confirming your child is in heaven, and you need to name that child”. I teared up, and was in shock of what I was hearing. I told Asher, I never thought about a name because the miscarriage was so early, that I didn’t know the gender. But maybe he just named the child Nor or Oar. As the holy spirit led our conversation, confirming how Jesus works in mysterious ways, was just something you just couldn’t make up. I then told Asher, go look up the name Nor, I feel like that is name for a boy or girl. He replied, maybe it means some kind of light, because your baby is in heaven. So he looked it up, and our jaws dropped, and I had Jesus bumps(chicken skin). Nor/Noor is a unisex name, and the meaning is divine light. And Asher was just very comforting, and was just assuring that there was a reason for him getting that dream, and God telling him to call me. The last thing I asked him was to describe the little kid, just for my curiosity. And he said it was kid with long hair, tied in a bun like, and no shirt on. He was just attached to me, and looking at him like “really you don’t know me”.

Asher’s relayed message from Jesus, was plain and simple. Yet so personal, and special all at the same time. The message from Heaven was confirming that our child is with Jesus, and that the baby was grown, and he had a name. Also, that I shouldn’t loose hope, and trust in God and continue to have faith. To keep trying, and keep submitting to my husband as I vowed to do. To remain steadfast in his love, and continue to try without doubt. But most importantly, to get my health back on priority, which will help me in the future. Pray over myself, and my husband. And to continue to let the holy spirit guide me.

~THANKFUL~

Throughout the years of healing, Jesus has blessed me tremendously. I was blessed to become a God-mom to some, I have many nieces and nephews that I truly love and adore. I have more on the way in the family, which I am excited for. There was even times where I had 2 cousins of mine, (still not knowing what we’ve been though), talk to my husband and I, and told us that they wouldn’t mind carrying our baby as a surrogate. Both times were not the right timing for us as we prayed about it. But to know the love and support that we have, is such a blessing. Throughout the years, I always gotten mother’s day texts from my little cousins, and some aunties that always brings me so much joy. Jesus gave me all of that, and I do not regret a thing. I may not be a mother of a child here on earth, but I am mother of child with Jesus in heaven where all my fathers will be when Jesus comes back. Baby is at his Forever Fale! I trust in Jeremiah 29:11, and that’s that.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO MY HUSBAND

I dedicate this post to you because you are my rock. You are my inspiration, and I wouldn’t be here without your love and guidance. I thank Jesus for you, because you are the best husband any wife could ask for. Even though we don’t have kids here on earth yet, I thank you for being there through thick and thin. It’s been the best 15 years of my life with you, despite all the downs, which i’m thankful for as well. I can’t wait to see what our future holds. But know that we do have a child that went straight to be with Jesus. He is happy and well, waiting for us one day to meet him. You are a great father figure/uncle to many, and one day in Jesus name, we will be blessed with our own. I love you so much, Happy Father’s Day!